November 2004

all my evenings consumed

My copy of Half Life 2 shipped today. I’m so happy. It’s more than a year overdue but it’s more exciting than christmas. Actually christmas is rubbish so bad comparison.

Published: 15 Nov 2004
Comments
‘A visitor’ left this comment on 21 Nov 04
Jokl just came across your blog. Nothing else to do on a sunday night except to search for jokl on the web. Been a long time since I sore your face and it would seem from your site that our hair lines have gone in the same direction.Well if you get this it would be good to hear from you.
nathan Evans [nathan@emhe.freeserve.co.uk]

G Man Spotted
Half-Life 2 continues to amaze. Just like the first Half-Life game, if you keep your eyes open you sometimes see, off in the distance, a G man with a briefcase. Who is he? What does he want? Perhaps it’s Peter Mandleson.

Published: 22 Nov 2004

‘A visitor’ left this comment on 23 Nov 04
Goshdarnit. I’ve failed to spot him so far, and I’m ahead of Tim Jokl (Citizen 17, London) on this game.
I shall have to keep my eyes “peeled”.

Ben Ranson

Half-Life 2 first look at lavs

Been playing this game for about a week now and so far only spotted one shitter. And here it is…

I reckon I have enough screengrabs of PC game toilets to do a proper quiz one of these days. I feel sure it’s what the world has been waiting for.

The game has been superb so far apart from the motion sickness. I have to limit myself to about an hour a go otherwise I need to go hunting for a real lavvy.

Recent films I thought were good enough to mention…

1. My Summer of Love
Don’t be a) put off b) encouraged to see just because there are lezzie bits in this. There’s much more to it than that. It reminded me of Educating Rita. Working class girl meets middleclass prentention, and likes it.

2. The Corporation
If you don’t hate corporations and don’t understand why other people do, here’s your perfect primer. Monsanto, from its early outings with agent orange and then onwards and upwards to cancer inducing cowsmilk. Nike, Walmart, Pfizer and on and on, all yer biggies expose their dark and thoroughly repugnent undersides.

3. Bad Santa
Started well, got very dull in the middle, got funny again at the end. It’s kind of a one joke film but different from just about all other Christmas films in that an utterly dispicable man (a department store santa) just refuses to soften up and get the spirit of Christmas.

4. NASCAR The Imax Experience
Of course, I’m joking.

Published: 23 Nov 2004

October 2004 – posts

New 10 commandments

I had a go at creating a new set of 10 commandments, perhaps more relevant for modern life…

1. Don’t be evil (Google had this motto when they launched, it covers everything.)

2. Don’t buy from unethical groups if you can help it.

3. Don’t work for unethical groups, ever. (Where you choose to work and what you choose to buy is more powerful than a vote in an election.)

4. Try not to bore people with your views, but spread the word if you know something helpful.

5. If you need a car, don’t let vanity influence what you buy, no matter how much money you have. (Rich people, lead the way. Shock the pants off everyone by owning a small, economical car.)

6. If you don’t need a car, don’t have one.

7. Defend your heritage. Heritage isn’t just old buildings and countryside. Custard, Milkmen, Bandstands, allotments, post offices, local newspapers, icecream vans, such things are our heritage.
8. Use your library.

9. Always question.

10. Enjoy what ethical groups provide; goods, services and careers etc.

They go a bit downhill toward the end but it was an interesting thing to do.If you can think of better ones, let me know.

Published: 6 Oct 2004

Blogs from Sept 2004

The Slow Loris

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/wildfacts/factfiles/330.shtml
They prowl around Vietnam at night, eat fruits and birds eggs, are excellent climbers and can reproduce at any time of year. These animals are spiritually akin to Chuck Norris.

Published: 1 Sep 2004

 

Tim the Sim

It’s been a while since I last blogged. In the last month or so I’ve played Thief 3, Deus Ex Invisible War, Doom 3 and now Sims 2. This has eaten up a lot of evenings.

With the Sims I made a replica of my flat, as close as is possible. In the flat there’s a replica of me and my flat mate.

It’s terrifically weird when you think about it. I’m sat at my computer playing a game and so is the sim Tim. When sim Tim goes to the fridge for a snack, so does the real Tim. Sim flat-mate is in the next room playing with a games console and, chances are, so is the genuine item.

In the game, the sim Tim is often left desperate for a pee because the sim flat-mate is in the bathroom. Then moments later that happens in real life.

Thief 3
Verdict… Appallingly stilted and cliched dialogue, piss poor acting and confused historical setting almost caused me to abandon this game. However, there’s a level later in the game that take’s place in a haunted orphanage, this is so amzingly chilling it’s worth sticking with it.

Deus Ex IW
The storyline is extrememly convoluted, much more than the first DEx, and you’re thrown in at the deep end right from the start of the game. The engine is piss-poor, just like the first one. Still, it was quite stylish and had a reasonably engaging ‘stealthy’ gameplay.

Doom 3
Horror and violence on Mars and in Hell. A bit more of a plot than previous Dooms, though nothing like Deus Ex or Thief. Quite a few obviously ‘Half-Life’ homages (or rip-offs depending on your point of view) in this game. The monsters are awesome and Hell is actually quite nice, compared to Shepherds Bush, though toilet facilities are limited as most loos have simply been swallowed up by the molten rock.

Sims 2
Still playing but highly engrossing so far.

Frickin’ Tescos Blogs from August 2004

2.00am And Out Come The Guts

It rains like a mother almost all the time but Edinburgh is one of those defiantly cool cities.

Was very lucky to be up there for the festival this year. Only two days but a packed two days.

Saw a good mixture of funny, nearly funny, strange and downright disturbing.

One thing that stands out was a comedy butcher doing a routine with animal body parts at the notoriously rowdy Late ’n’ Live. He had a turkey on string and operated it like a puppet, that is until the crowd turned on him. There were 500 people booing, one man grabbed the bird and threw it, hard, at the butcher’s head.

This didn’t put him off and he proceeded with his act. This involved a pig’s head and the entire digestive tract of some other large animal, again on strings. Someone yelled, “For the love of God, get the F*ck off!”

I imagine it deeply offended all the vegetarians in the room, the rest of were just bewildered at how bad the act was. Someone was incensed enough to wade up to the stage and harass the compere for five minutes before being escorted out by security.

Every year at the Fringe, people say Late ‘n’ Live has lost it’s edge and it’s not as rowdy as it once was. I ve sat through some that were no more rowdy than any other gig you might attend. I thought there was definitely some good old gladiatorial comedy that night though and I now think the secret to a raucous Late n  Live is a very carefully selected bad act.

Published: 18 Aug 2004

Fully Committed

Anyone who lives in the London area who might enjoy an evening out at the theatre I highly recommend this one man play called Fully Committed at the Menier Chocolate Factory Theatre.

It’s been very popular and the run has bee extended.

Mark Setlock plays Sam, a young actor who mans the reservation hotline for one of New York’s most fashionable restaurants. It’s a gruelling job. The phone never stops, the Chef is a Primadonna, Naomi Campbell wants the lightbulbs by her table changed and there’s a mess in the ladies’ room that someone must confront.

Published: 22 Aug 2004

In the News Today, My Pet Peeve

Someone has finally noticed…

“The proliferation of chain stores across the country is turning the UK into a series of “clone towns”, a think tank has warned.”

Of course some of us have been saying this for years. British Towns are all the same. Individuality gone. This has an effect on our brians, our souls, our spirit. The same shops pop up every three hundred yards. Or you can go to an out of town mall and see them all again.

Sadly the damage was done years ago. This so-called ‘think tank’ has had a really unoriginal thought.

Another frightening development over the last 12 months has involved Tescos and Sainsbury’s battling to buy up all of the UK’s corner shops. So not only will our town centres be identical, so will the little shops at the end of your road.

Why should you care?

You should care because this will mean one or two very big companies will soon decide what you can and can’t buy.

An independant Corner Shop stocks what it wants to stock. You’ve been in one, the classic british corner shop, and usually there’s a million different types of canned drink, all good range of newspapers and magazines, sweets and food stuffs from local companies as well as many from the big global ones, sweets in jars, bread made locally, milk farmed locally. They have shoe laces, camera batteries, nail clippers, corkscrews, stuff that experience and an interest in local life has prompted them to stock…

When the supermarkets take over your corner shop, you will get, for example, sweets produced by just two companies, Nestle and Cadburys. You’ve been in WH Smiths and seen the selection. What I’m taking about has already happened there. You may say, hold on, what about Bassetts Liquorish Allsorts of Maynards winegums?

Bassetts, Maynards, Halls, Butterkist, Trebor, Trident, Stimorol, Dentyne, (Snapple and Orangina) are all owned by Cadbury’s.

If you want to buy confection that isn’t cadburys or Nestle owned it is very difficult. Nestle own Polos, Kit Kat, Caramac, Yorkie, Golden Cup, Rolo, Aero, Walnut Whip, Drifter, Smarties, Milkybar, Toffee Crisp, Crunch, Maverick, Munchies, Lion Bar, Quality Street, Matchmakers, Dairy Box, Black Magic, After Eight, Tooty Frooties, Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles, Mackintosh’s Toffo, Rowntree’s Fruit Gums, Blue Riband, Breakaway. They also own Buxton water and Perrier.

You may think that by buying an Appletizer you’re buying a rival to coco-cola. You’re not. If you buy coca-cola, appletizer, alive, calypso, cresta, Canada Dry, Dannon, Dasani (which is actually tap water from Sidcup), Dr Pepper, Evian, Fanta, Five Alive, Hi-C, Kia Ora, Malvern, Minute Maid, Oasis, Quatro, Sprite, Sunkist and many more… you’re buying something from the coca-cola company.

All these drinks and more have different names in other countries. So when you go abroad and see a cute sounding local beverage called Guarana Jesus, it’s just another coca-cola product, not some holy pep-drink which will enable you to walk on water.

What can you do to stop it? Well some would say, don’t shop at Tescos if you don’t like Tescos. Sadly it’s way too late and they’re way to powerful. If they want to buy up all the corner shops they probably will. In a year or two some ‘think tank’ will announce that all of Britain’s Corner shops are “clone shops.” It’ll get 2 minutes on the six o’clock news and that will be that.

Published: 28 Aug 2004

The Lavatories of Doom

The PC game Doom 3 has just been released and the question on everyone’s lips is: What are the toilets like?

Well, let me tell you, they are disgusting. This is the future, a corporate facility on Mars and the owners supposedly have ‘unlimited funds’ to do scientific research. These funds don’t seem to stretch to hiring a cleaner.
Bog 1. Standard urinals. Chunky but no better than you’d see in an average West End restaurant. NB. There are no Ladies Loos as no females work on Mars. Perhaps this is because, as we are always being told, men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?

Bog 2. This one has part of a human shin in the bowl. No amount of flushing is going to get rid of that.

Bog 3. This is a landmark bog (surely skidmark? – Ed). Why? Well it’s the first loo ever in a PC game that actually has a *gulp* poo in it. Weirdly it’s more disturbing to see a stool in a lav than it is a human shin. Why is that? Any thoughts?Published: 29 Aug 2004

Blog Posts from July 2004

Goober & The Ghost Chasers

Hear themes from cartoon shows that take you right back to being aged five.

And if that link wasn’t interesting enough for you, try this…

Twelve Microphones That Changed History

Published: 8 Jul 2004

Who Killed Saturday Night TV?

Ye Cannon and ye balle

This was the title of a documentary on Channel 4 last saturday evening. While it was very entertaining, and had Noel Edmunds, Little and Large, Les Dennis and a whole heap of other key figures, it didn’t really have any clear thoughts on why no one watches TV on a Saturday night anymore. 20 million used to tune in for the big shows. Now it hovers around 6.

It’s not just saturday nights either.

One talking head had a clear idea what a lot of us are doing, though. Statistcally, half the nation rents a DVD/VHS on saturday night. People are still watching their TVs, they’re just not watching terrestrial output. Not much anyway.

Comments on a blog.
Off The Telly

One thing the doc didn’t mention was that 20 years ago there was a mountain of US imports on our TV screens. The A Team, Dukes of Hazzard, Baywatch; that sort of thing.

Perhaps the people now renting DVDs miss a bit of big budget escapism. There’s certainly little or narrative based entertainment around now. And the two main channels wouldn’t touch US imports with a barge pole.

The DVD watching stats quosh the notion that we’re all going out more.

Can you blame people for renting or buying their entertainment. If you were a fan of the Simpsons, for example, you would have pulled your hair out watching the same episodes over and over again on BBC TWO. Why did they repeat season one and two soooo many times? If you have Sky One you could have seen new episodes every week except that you’d get colossal ad breaks in the middle. Doh!

Chances are, if you have some disposable income, you would simply give up on TV and buy the DVD. What if you were a fan of The West Wing? How much crap would you take from Channel 4? Would you stay up later and later each week until eventually you’re in the early hours of the next day, enjoying your favourite show but wondering why you have to be nocturnal to watch it.

Another example: Curb Your Enthusiasm, best comedy to come out of the US in ages, had two seasons on digital BBC Four. Very few saw it. Four have now lost rights to subsequent seasons. Does this mean they keep hold of season one and two? Who got season three and beyond? When will I get to see? Will it ever be shown again in this country? If they do show it again, will it stop suddenly mid-season because of a darts tournament?

You can see why many people might just give in and buy the DVD. Why they might be falling out with television. Imagine you tune in at 6pm on BBC TWO for what is traditionally the Cult TV slot and find there’s another selling-your-house programme. You can see why someone might feel TV isn’t really worth the trouble anymore. It doesn’t reward loyalty.

It’s not that the medium of TV isn’t working, it’s that there’s no consistency any more. A series might not mean series in the old sense of the word. A series might mean three shows in a row, football, two more, Children in Need, another at an odd time, then suddenly cancelled. They never used to do that to Terry and June, they didn’t do it to The Dukes of Hazzard. TV just isn’t dependable like a DVD is dependable.

You can’t build a relationship with something so fickle as TV.

Published: 13 Jul 2004

Comments

‘A visitor‘ left this comment on 13 Jul 04

Excellent Rant, Tim. Wholeheartedly agree. Back in the old days I used to religiously watch Babylon 5, and experienced the ever deepening butt-fvck of Channel 4 pushing the show back, later and later, each week, until it was 6am. I got so chuffed-off that I wrote my only letter of complaint to a TV company. I got some patsy-ass PR reply about the “difficulties of program scheduling” yadayada.

As for Star Trek TNG, DS9, V’ger etc. on BBC2, don’t even get me started. Why did they suddenly decide to show TOTP2 one week instead? Who are these monkeys in scheduling.

All I can say is that living in America has it’s benefits – there is plenty of new good TV here (24, CSI, Stargate etc.), and they stick to schedules. But I record the shows, as no one in their sane minds can withstand the incessant ad breaks.

In fact, you’re right, just rent the DVDs of your favourite shows – the picture quality is fab, you can watch it when you want, there’s no ads, and often some interesting special features.

TV is dead. Long live DVD.

- b.

Ben

Giraffes are insincere

Had an almost religious experience at a Simon and Garfunkel concert this week.

They were pretty awesome and sounded very together. And vocally as good as they ever were.

Glad I saw this gig in Manchester as London audiences are infuriating.*

Surprisingly there was a lot of humour in the show. The band came on for an encore wearing bright yellow jackets they’d borrowed from the venue stewards. These were the same canary colour as the ticket. S&G were taken by surprise. It was pretty funny. Erm.  You had to be there. Huh. I’ll get my coat…

*S and G did two dates in the UK. One in London and one in Manchester. I preferred Manchester. London gig audiences are appalling. They treat the bands on stage as something to be mildly diverted by in between endless trips to the bar. You can’t watch a band for more than 5 minutes without some tosser shoving past you with a tray full of pissy lager. WATCH THE BAND!

Published: 17 Jul 2004

Comments

‘moog‘ left this comment on 17 Jul 04

i totally agree. Boyfriend and i saw them in Hyde Park and the audience were just bloody awfle! the front circle of people in front of the stage who had paid hundreds of pounds to get in the circle pretty much sat through the whole thing!
the people around us were singing along so much that it was quite hard at times to hear the people we had paid to see.
but they were dead funny, and it was a good gig!Visit me @ http://jealoustwin.blog-city.com/

Docs Rule

If you saw and enjoyed Michael Moore’s FAHRENHEIT 9/11 chances are you’d get a lot, perhaps more, out of another documentary on release at the moment called Control Room.

I’ve often been amazed just how selective, or just plain wrong, the news about home can be in other countries. This doc shows how Al Jazeera tried to cover their ‘local’ war in an even handed way (whilst constantly being accused of bias by British and US news agencies) and counter the selective coverage offered by the world’s news.

What stands out is just how our news reporters were duped by staged events like the toppling of the Saddam statue. Al Jazeera reporters, who had the vital local knowledge so lacking in western news services, saw right through these things. In the same way we can hear the difference between a Yorkshire and Lancashire accent, they knew the Iraqi men who danced on the toppled statue were not locals.

Then there’s the BBC reporter saying ‘…listen to these children cheering for President Bush!’ (shot of children chanting something with the word Bush in the middle) – the kids were actually saying Bush is a son of a bitch. Unlike Moore’s frenetic F 9/11, which shoots from the hip somewhat, this remains level headed throughout, gentle even. There aren’t so many laughs, but then it’s not a very funny subject.

Published: 25 Jul 2004

Sean Langan

Sean Langan

Quality TV Alert!

One good journalist is worth a thousand average ones. With this in mind watch Sean Langan this Thursday on BBC Four in MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: LANGAN IN IRAQ

Sean makes politically illuminating travel documentaries which attempt to awaken the lazy western TV viewer to the realities of the wider world.

His series on Islamic countries called Langan Behind the Lines was, in my humble as a sock opinion, the best, most courageous television of the last 10 years. Friday’s doc sounds like a follow up to that series, focusing on Iraq.

His more recent series for Channel 4, Travels of a Gringo, took him to South America to meet the people who pay the price for our cheap bananas, coffee, etc.

All his work has struck me as extremely timely, bold and at the same time devoid of vanity, as good journalism should be.

Herbert Lom – Blogs Posts from June 2004

Oh Dear
I bought one of those electric hair clipper sets yesterday. I tried it this morning on myself without any help. Oh dear.

Published: 12 Jun 2004
Comments
‘Pimme’ left this comment on 12 Jun 04
Hehe. It’ll grow back…just remember to use the appropriate plastic guards next time! ;^)
Visit me @ http://pimme.blog-city.com

Flash Mobbing – Victoria Station

You may have heard of the phenomenon of Flash Mobbing   email-organised events of mass movement. (e.g. a mob of people turn up in the Futon Shop on Tottenham Court Road at a given time, all pat a bed and say that s nice.  Then they leave.)

Well I was in Victoria Station the other evening and witnessed one in action. About 100 people with ipods were disco dancing in and amongst the dreary commuters. It was, needless to say, a bizarre sight. People dancing away and no music to be heard.

There were police there looking on, perhaps worried it was some kind of deviant cult they would have to beat up at some point.

A needlessly aggressive security guard there said filming was prohibited when he saw I had a camera. I was surrounded by people taking pictures with their mobile phones. He had a id card on which said Cape Security  and so we ended up having an argument about how on earth I could possibly know for sure he worked for Victoria Station.

Should you believe someone is a security guard (and do what they tell you) just because he has an id card  was the thrust of my argument. And anyway what harm was I doing? I proceeded to take this picture with him yelling in my ear.

Little Hitler. Nice flash mob.

Published: 17 Jun 2004
Comments
‘A visitor’ left this comment on 17 Jun 04
What about “mob-flashing” – where hundreds of people turn up at a public place and take their clothes off? And then an avart-garde photographer artist then takes some pictures of them all.
Mmm – that’s nice…

Ben [ben@nearstars.com]

Lom

Today I went to see The Ladykillers (the original) at a cinema in town and guess who was in the audience? I’ll tell you, Herbert Lom, the only survining ladykiller. He got a round of applause when he was identified. The film was great.

‘moog’ left this comment on 17 Jul 04
wow! that is really cool!!
Visit me @ http://jealoustwin.blog-city.com

‘haywood’ left this comment on 8 Jul 04
Thats really cool!
Haywood, visit me @ http://cjh9999.blog-city.com

Great Hurricanes by Gustav Wind – Blog posts from May 2004

I’m addicted to chicken kastu curry at wagamama.

I’ve started watching all the Band of Brothers. War. What is it good for? TV, Films, Books, computer games…

I booked my flight to see my friend Ben in the states. Flights are expensive right now. We plan to play intense Krazy Golf for two weeks. (Boomers have the best courses.)

Enjoyed a film called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Enjoyed an album by The Shins called Chutes Too Narrow.

Also, a song I listen to over and over at the moment is Bandit by Neil Young.

I’m of the opinion women
were a lot sexier
in the 80′s.

Big Hair. Shoulders.
(Not small hair and midriff blubber.)

The Car vs The Washing Line

Published: 11 May 2004

Small Town News from Up North

Some ignorant Brian* of a motorist has started legal action because people hang their washing out to dry over the narrow alley behind his house.  (Think Billy Elliot or Kes if you’ve never been there.) The alleyway runs between two rows of grim Skipton terraced houses. The man claims he can’t drive his car up there. Everyone else is asking: why does he need to drive his car up there? ..They’ve always hung their washing over the alley for as long as anyone can remember.

http://www2.newsquest.co.uk/bradford__district/skipton/news/SKIP_NEWS0.html

*short for Brain Cant

LA Take Down

Published: 18 May 2004

Movie-tastic Downtown LA

I was in the Bradbury Building yesterday, one of many buildings in down town LA made famous in films (Deckard goes after Roy Batty in Blade Runner up the elevator pictured here).

Arrived on a train from Irvine. Sadwit that I am, I get very excited by railway journeys. The double-decker trains (woody) were smooth and clean, unlike the filthy bone-shakers we get in the UK, yet are unpopular with auto-centric Californians.

They were very cheap too.

Downtown LA is just crammed with buildings and locations made familiar in 1000s of movies and TV shows. seen by the world in movies. Sadly the opulence and grandeur sits uncomfortably side by side with decrepitude and grunge. The place never felt 100% safe.

Highlights, beyond the Bradbury…

Extreme vertigo in a glass elevator at the Westin Bonaventure Hotel (seen in True Lies, In the Line of Fire) which drops 35 floors in about 5 seconds (Yikes) and overlooks 5th Street, scene of the bank robbery in HEAT.

The LA Grand Central Market is a small but lively food market with tonnes of neon and exotic foodstuffs. Had a superb Chinese meal there for about 2 quid in the same seat Robert De Niro occupied in a scene in Midnight Run.

California Plaza has about the best views of the district without going up in a skyscraper. Union Station, where I arrived by train, is basically art deco heaven (it was filmed, not at its best, as the Police HQ in Blade Runner). City Hall is awesome too and you can get guided tours, although I didn’t read far enough in my guidebook to realise this at the time.

Hard on the feet but got some fantastico pics.

Have a nice day, sir.

Nature

Thursday: Yosemite Ntnl Park

Fine views of El Capitan and Half Dome were enjoyed from the top of Sentinel Dome. Vast vistas. Heady heights.

Described by our guidebook as an easy-to-moderate climb, the Sentinel Dome took its toll on us, esp. towards the end when we were staggering along like crap polar explorers. At the top we found a gaggle of school children who had also done the hike that morning.

Walking in the (flat) main Yosemite valley in the afternoon proved to be more agreeable, though walking on a plop-blattered horsey trail got a bit heavy under foot.

Ben took some quality pics on his Canon Digital Rebel.

Guns and Ammo

Friday morning, Merced CA, at the GunRunners shooting range…

Learned to shoot a pistol. Starting with a .22 pistol and later a 9mm Glock. Seduced by gun-toting on TV was I feel the main reason.

BANG!

It felt frightening, exciting, a bit sexy, and slighty naughty. I seemed to be quite a good shot for a time but then lost the knack completely toward the end. One of my paper tagets looks acceptible enough to show people. The others I’ll keep secret.

Interestingly I was able to walk in off the street and was on the range firing live ammo within about half an hour. No ID was required. The guy in charge of the range did give us some good basic tuition and safety tips then let his wife (‘the bride’) oversee our first clipful of rounds.

There are an estimated 300 million guns in the USA. That’s almost enough for every adult to have 2 each. A big problem seems to be keeping guns away from kids.

Every eight hours a child or teen was killed in a firearm-related accident or suicide in 2001.

Published: 21 May 2004 

San Fran

Saturday Morning: San Francisco from Fremont by BART. Not a particularly interesting train ride, even for a sad public-trans enthusiast like me. The BART goes underground just when the scenery gets good.

Once there, pointless trying to get a tram ride. People are queueing for miles to get a go on one. The bus and trolley are only maginally less crowded.

SF seems to have a worse transit problem than London. There are also about 10 times more crazies on the street.  Those who suffer Metro-stress beware.

The SF Museum of Modern Art, surely the best modern art gallery in the world. Each floor better than the last, thus you stay the course and see everything.

The view from Coit Tower is now protected by Plexiglass. This pic surprisingly clear given it was shot through a grubby sheet of perspex.

Views from Marin end of Golden Gate Bridge are tops. The Museum of San Fran, on pier 45, is the saddest, sorriest bag of ropey old breasts in the history civilised culture.

small “low-guilt” nukes

Mini-nukes on US agenda
A surprisingly large number of people like George W Bush.

Mini-nukes are his latest thing. Small nukes you can drop on targets, safe in the knowlegde you can’t kill millions, only thousands. This, to GWB, seems acceptible.

Such weapons are under consideration. They would pack about a third of the power of the first atomic bombs. George and Donald think these weapons will help their war on terror.

article from the LA TIMES 11 March 2004

Published: 27 May 2004

Comments: 'haywood' left this comment on 30 May 04
those mini nukes would help win the War on Terror, the only problem is it would help the terrorists, when they got there hands on them. Supid, stupid Bush (shakes head)
HaywoodVisit me @ http://cjh9999.blog-city.com

krazy with a k

Krazy golf is golf without the vanity and for this reason we should embraced it as an anti-sport.

You ll see no dead-eyed management lackeys, no pink-sweatered BMW drivers with branded clubs dropping by the krazy golf course from corporate cube-land. That s because in this version of golf, having a competitive nature and a $600 cashmere Argyle pullover will make you look like a dick.

It s hard to talk seriously about your futures and stock portfolios with your dull associates from pinstripe-town whilst trying to hit your ball through a scale model of the Taj Mahal. For this reason Krazy Golf is good golf.

(If you do take up this marvelous sport, may I suggest you refer to your club as a bat  to further subtract any residual pomposity from the game.)

Piers part 1 & 2

One of the more surreal things about this trip has been catching up with centre-house veteran Piers Beckley; surreal because instead of meeting up in the BBC bar, we met up at the rotating cocktail lounge on the 35th floor of the Westin Bonaventure.

It was a little different from looking down on a White City council estate and vistas of North Acton.

Second photo is of Piers in Pershing Square. He got very excited when he realized the square had been used as a setting in Tony Hawks Pro Skater 3. He s still the same old Piers.

The other thing we discovered about Piers is that he has no fear and a stomach made of steel when it comes to extreme roller-coasters. We went to Magic Mountain and Piers went on virtually every extreme ride they had, some twice.

Coasters we tried…

Goliath
Colossus
Scream (twice and it was this that did me in for a good two hours)
Batman (Ben and Piers only)
Tidal Wave
Freefall (Piers only)
Dare Devil and Dive Devil (Ben and Piers)
Roaring Rapids (all three on this – all drenched, Piers worst of all)
X (where my pocket yeilded up its lose change)
Viper (many loops)

Published: 31 May 2004

War and Shopping – published: 7 Mar 2004

Some things that look interesting or, in fact, were:

Fog of War. This Oscar winning documentary is soon to be screened in London but it’s already been released on DVD in the U.S.

It’s about Robert McNamara and the insane defence decisions taken during the Cold War. Timely? The website is a minor masterpiece so if that s anything to go by, the doc must be awesome.  (Chances of anyone seeing this doc at a cinema outside London? Multiplex culture won’t allow brain nutrition to seep out into the provinces. Even though London is a city coming apart at the seems, the culture vacuum outside stops me from fleeing. Sorry, that all came out a bit grimpyfied.)

Status Anxiety. Alain de Botton is a British Philosopher and his surname sounds like bottom. Last night his two-hour doc on Status Anxiety was shown on Channel 4. Basically it was a study of our generation’s pursuit of luxury living and recognition, and lack of any real fulfilment; something I’ve heard many people make nebulous references to, including myself. Alain articulated it.

If (like me) you read the Sunday papers, look at pictures of mahogany panelled Uber-fridges or BMWs that match the dining room curtains, chances are you feel you’re getting left behind.

If you see someone at work get a promotion, someone who perhaps joined the company after you, chances are you ll be gripped by a sour dread and an inner anguish that only excessive shopping and a new flat will ease.

Alain hinted that Nudists might have at least part of the answer. Hope they show this again.  (Not the nudists.)

Jarhead. Used up the last of my Christmas book tokens on this (thanks Claudia). I m enjoying this unabashed insight into the life of a Marine Corp. Grunt in Gulf War I. Dumb, macho, inhumane teenagers with guns get dumped in the desert to do the bidding of the oil companies but first they have to dig a latrine. This is war: lots of sitting around.

Book Report – Published: 21 Feb 2004

As someone who rarely reads fiction any more, and then rarely past page 30, I impressed myself by finishing two books in one week. Give me a medal.

A Farewell to Arms by Earnest Hemingway.
Contrary to the title, no one in this book loses their arms, and this despite it being set during WW1, History’s most boring war.

Mr Henry is an American ambulance driver in the Italian Army. He can speak all European languages, always has money and is about as interesting as 80′s office furniture. He falls in love with an English nurse and gets her up the stick, despite not having the use of his legs at that point in the book. (I read between the lines and imagined she must have gone on top.)

The Nurse, Catherine, is far, far less interesting than 80′s office furniture. She talks the most inane gibberish. I pictured a young Susan Hampshire after a course of E.C.T.

A good three quarters of this book is spent describing what Mr Henry is eating and or drinking. When his wife goes into labour with their child, for example, he finds time to go to a local restaurant and have a good meal and some blonde beer, twice.

I don’t know why I stuck it out. I thought there might be some enlightenment or a message of some kind if I read to the end. Failing that, some insight into the war. But no.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
Now this I enjoyed. It’s an Autistic teenage boy detective story. There are also loads of maths problems thrown in along the way. That’s ‘out there’ by any standard.

The best part of this book is when the autistic boy tries to leave his home in Swindon to find his mum in London. Because of his problems with agoraphobia, fear or strangers, fear of noise, fear of the unfamiliar, fear of being touched, his inability to interact with people and his weak bladder – this simple trip takes on the epic proportions of Homer’s Odyssey.

The story is told in the first person too so you get all these interesting, vastly oversimplified observations about the external world the boy sees. He discusses his behavioural problems in the way one might discuss vacuum cleaner bags.  He irrationally hates the colour brown and doesn’t trust it. This I identified with.

This may gross you out – published: 9 Feb 2004

Found this excerpt from a MS Messenger conversation from (saved – you’ll see why ) 12/12/2000 – with Ben.  It made me larf and larf to re-read it.

Ben says: 4

Ben says: 3

Ben says: 2

Ben says: 1

Ben says: time’s up!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben says: hahah

Ben says: lol

Ben says:

tim says: chumf

tim says: Has Chris made a plan yet?

Ben says: fannyfart

tim says: what’s brown and sticky

tim says: a stick

Ben says: a shit

Ben says: a turd

Ben says: a stool

Ben says: a log

Ben says: a movement

Ben says: a tod

Ben says: a lumpy submarine

Ben says: a defaecatee

Ben says: a chocolate Mr Whippy

tim says: Elvis’ valedictory gesture

Ben says: a very moving one, it was

Ben says: chris has been looking at flats this w/e

tim says: Keith Chegwin’s DIY bedwarmer

tim says: Douglas Hurd

Ben says: u-bend displacer

Ben says: the organic u-boat

tim says: a badoo-weee

tim says: two

tim says: bab

tim says: kack

tim says: excre-putty

tim says: pebbledash

tim says: Keith Chegwin’s Chronic Fudge

tim says: a George W Flush

Ben says: ya kill me

Ben says: solid botty cough

Ben says: anal extrusion

tim says: TEE HEE

tim says: ANO-PLASTY

Ben says: rectal airbrush (available in burnt umber only)

tim says: Gandalf’s Moment of Reflection

Ben says: Turd Of The Rings

tim says: Tony Soprano’s floating stiff

Ben says: moist cigar

tim says: The Jolly Green Giant’s Magical Floating Peas

Ben says: bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…bud…budooowee

tim says: SHOE PUTTY

Ben says: Dangleberry’s Mothership

Ben says:(improved) Klingon Mothership

Ben says: Bizarre object of pleasure

tim says: Prison Blue Tack

tim says: The furrowed brow

tim says: ( ..n )

tim says: the DC 2

Ben says: Dirty protest mastic

Ben says: DC2?!

tim says: the blue-bottle’s chocolate runway

tim says: as in DC10 (plane)

Ben says: yeah I know, oh, right as in #2

tim says: aeronautical poo humour

Ben says: Droppings of Homo Sapiens

tim says: bad karma kebab

Ben says: bad karma police chameleon abrakebabra

tim says: a philip schofield

Ben says: ps?

tim says: he’s just shite

Ben says: oh. 4.

tim says: Mark Curry’s home made swamp

Ben says: Booby Sand’s last offering

Ben says: Bobby i mean

tim says: a bobby sands should be the term for a very small poo

Ben says: lol

tim says: A Brian Blessed on the other hand..

Ben says: the antonym of which is a Cyril Smith

Ben says: imagine the size of his anus

tim says: Nice one Cyril, Nice one son, nice one Cyril, let’s have another one. Plop.

Ben says: on second thoughts, don’t

tim says: I just did a Cyril and both ends were out of the water

Ben says: HAHA

Ben says: obstruct that u-bend

tim says: dynamite

Ben says: bacteria food

tim says: universal cable

[and so it goes on]

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Comments
‘A visitor’ left this comment on 18 Feb 04
Shocked and appalled that you published this.
I shall be consulting my attorney… That is after, I go and block the u-bend with a Giant Cyril…

Ben