Was Hitler In Colour?

Published: 6 Jul 2003

  • Question: What Is The Campest Thing In The World?
  • Answer: British Television

Cadbury’s Flake

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate never tasted before. This statement presents difficulty on so many levels and I have grappled with it’s incongruity since the age of four and a half.

The most glaring, the most salient point, to my infant mind, was the assumption that ‘only’ the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate never tasted before.

This statement precludes a myriad types of abused, harmed, displaced and altered chocolates which are made possible through the endeavours of science and the conceptions of insane men.

Surely if ‘crumbly and flaky’ can vary our perception of chocolate, then certainly ‘spiny and poisoned’ may also cause it to taste as it has hitherto been unable.

Similarly, ‘powdery and destabilised’, ‘humid and unconvinced’ or even the combination I posited to my Nursery supervisor, Miss Tilton: colloidal and demagnetised.

Our basis for comparison is limited too. I explained this to my music teacher after reciting Three Blind Mice on the recorder. If an apple doesn’t taste like an apple, how would we know it was an apple? By it’s shape? Chocolate has no set shape, only the shape global corporations give it.

Therefore, I explained, shaking the spit from my instrument, if chocolate taste like it has never tasted before how could we know with any certainty it was chocolate?

People will accept what they are told, said Mrs Heppenstall, the peripatetic music teacher. You accept what I tell you because you respect me as an adult and because I have given you no reason to doubt me.

The world will believe that a flake is made of chocolate and not demagnetised silicon platelets. She had a point and, for a few short weeks at least, I was placated.

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