Despite the narrow streets, terrible fuel consumption, poor safety records, higher tax-brackets and every right-thinking person in the world banging on about how awful they are, the Chelsea Tractor remains a London must-have.
And the latest big discovery is that your big Discovery is actually the most unreliable car on the road. These monsters are now officially moronic on every level. But people won’t part with them yet and this is why: you can’t show the world how rich and important you are in small, sensible car.
People need a Symbol of Urban Vanity (you see what I did there?) I’ll get to the point…
These Tractor owners know they look dim and unethical but they are paralysed by the lack of alternatives. There is no car on the market that say’s ‘Hey, I’m very rich and important but I also care about the environment’.
If these people were to buy a small, economical car, and take their one child (usually called Hermione) to school in it, other rich parents would gaze down from their four-tonne Range Rovers and assume some hardship, some stock price collapse was to blame.
Until manufacturers fix the all to apparent gap in the market – namely very expensive small cars –
..here are ten ideas aimed at helping the unfortunate rich:
1. Have a Suzuki Swift plated with gold leaf and the steering wheel studded with diamonds (making sure they are fair-trade diamonds, obviously).
2. Swap your GL Class Mercedes for a Citroen Xsara Picasso but, get this, have one with a real Picasso, laminated and stuck on bonnet.
3. Can’t part with your big Mercedes? (Hitler felt the same way.) Well here’s an idea… Four people riding two welded-together tandems is effectively a 4×4. Combine that with a fibreglass shell, designed to look like your GL Class and hey-presto! You’re 100% green and 100% still the King of South Kensington.
4. Run a Toyota Yaris but tow a luxury yacht behind – all the time. (As an extra little touch of class you could also leave a box of Ferrero Rochers on the dashboard.)
5. The Green Motorcade. Look incredibly important by running a Reva G-Wiz (pictured) but have two uniformed security men on electric mopeds, with whilstles, riding one in front and one behind.
6. Instead of taking little Tarquin and Jocasta to school in your giant Ford Explorer, why not have the Explorer converted into a school? Leave it on the drive. Think of all the time you’d save and, what’s more, you’d avoid the school postcode lottery!
7. Have a Reva G-Wiz fitted with a rhino-bar and knobbly off-road tyres. The laws of perspective (and some carefully daubed mud?) might fool anyone seeing it in their peripheral vision that it’s a mammoth 4×4 parked quite a long way off.
8. Take the bus, only when you get on, pay for everyone. People will be in no doubt you’re a high-roller. You could also sit upstairs and continue to enjoy that all important ‘sitting-high-up’ feeling.
9. Do you enjoy that feeling of burning five times as much petrol as you really need to because you’re rich and, heck, you can? Try this instead: buy leaky champagne glasses and eat caviar off a record player set to 45r.p.m. You’ll get that same surging feeling of decadent waste but you won’t have to sit in traffic.
10. Range Rovers break down a lot, so buy a small economical car and have your local Range Rover dealership logo painted on the side. Everyone will assume you’ve been given a loaner while your ‘real’ car is being fixed (again).