NEXT, makers of blue, grey and brown clothes, lead the way when it comes to making everyone in the UK look roughly the same.
Well done I say. Having to coordinate colours, if we’re honest, is beyond us. Go into any living room in Britain and you’ll know this is true.
Limiting clothing to two and half colours is a weight off, frankly.
But for Next, the help doesn’t stop there. Oh no. They have plans for our minds, not just our legs, arms, rude bits and upper torsos.
Witness Next making big strides into to world of high street, off-the-peg Confucianism (see picture).
Whether you work hard, play hard or both, from time to time we all need to relax.
That’s just beautiful, that is. On a packet of three t-shirts they expect you’ll sleep in (consecutively, not all three at once).
If you analyse this profound message, it breaks down like this: whether you a [where a is any activity] or b [where b is a different sort of activity], or a and b, from time to time you’ll need to x [where x is a not-necessarily-related essential bodily function].
So, let’s try reworking it with new a, b and x‘s.
Whether you lick the end of pencils, see visions of death in puddles or both, from time to time we all need to visit the toilet.
A suitable maxim to stick on the packaging of an air freshener, perhaps?
Whether you enjoy touching the surface of your eyeballs, collect things you find on buses or both, from time to time we all need to reproduce.
Actually, I wish I hadn’t started writing this. I mean…if you stop and think about this too deeply you’ll despair.
Grown adults, paid wages, intelligent graduates all, working in teams, and they get out of bed each day and think up a massage to print on the plastic wrapping of a packet of t-shirts.
That’s what our economy is based on. People doing jobs like that.
There aren’t emoticons to express…