Memoirs of a Geisha, with interruptions – Published: 19 Mar 2010

Modern life is rubbish, we all know that. And we’re comfortable with it.

Part of the rubbishness is that everything is fragmented now. We don’t watch telly together anymore, because unless it’s an app on our phones were not interested.

Except that isn’t the case. We still want to sit down to watch TV.

It’s the TV channels that are a mess, not the audience. Here’s what I mean…

Watching Memoirs of a Geisha the other day on FIVE made me realise why I no longer trust the TV to give me TV.

Memoirs of a Geisha tells a huge story. The titular Geisha, who has loved a man since she was a child, has lived through horrors, war, revenge, exploitation and a form of crushing tradition that’s hard to imagine, finally comes together with the man her heart always yearned for.

It’s a tearful, joyful moment in an enchanted garden. They finally kiss! And as if out of respect, the camera bows to the reflection in the pond. Then, right on cue, this pops up…

Extreme Fishing with Robson Green

I was so bewildered I paused it and took this picture. And then I blogged it via a special phone app.


A visitor‘ left this comment on 27 Aug 10
Because the audience will all be reaching for their remotes to see what high quality, yet affordable, jewellery is available on QVC NOW! unless they are informed RIGHT THIS MINUTE that Robson Greene is riding over that hill to save your viewing pleasure, like Gandalf at Helm’s Deep, bearing aloft his shining (extreme) fishing rod.
And now some childishness… 

Simon Russell Beale

Who wouldn’t fall about laughing three quarters of the way into Simon Russell Beale’s rather good series Sacred Music after hearing this….?

Simon Russell Beale mp3.


Modern Life is Rubbish #23332 – In the future, all shops will…

[ Published: 12 May 2009 ]

Asda. In the future all clothing will work on a buy one get one free basis (already successful with socks)…

But jacket, get trousers free. George at Asda.

But jacket, get trousers free. George at Asda.

And at the news stand in Tesco…  

In the future all magazines will be distilled into one magazine called Jamie.

Jamie Magazine

Jamie Magazine

Each page will have a flavoured picture of Jamie that you can lick.

If you lick it enough, the picture wears away to reveal TV listings showing when the next cookery programme is on.

In the future cookery programmes will be on all the time, meaning the Editor of Jamie can just use the same listings issue after issue, saving time and money. This saved cash will be put to better use buying more page-flavouring.

In the future, after Jamie is dead, licked to death by an obsessive fan presumably, the magazine will fold. That will be the end of the printed word because people won’t read anything that doesn’t have a flavour.

In the future, Asda will produce a suit that has the shirt, tie, socks, pants and shoes all conveniently sewn in. If you buy one you’ll get a second one free. When you get a hole in a sock you’ll just throw it all away or give it to a tramp.

In the future, tramps (many of them redundant Listings Editors) will all wear suits and ties as these will be cheaper than jeans, T-shirts, tracksuits etc.

The reading material they will sleep under will also be their evening meal.

One One Eight – Published: 7 Oct 2008

118 118

The 118 118 guys will never be endearing and it’s time everyone involved just blummin well grew up and accepted that.

You can’t just keep throwing money at the problem.

Sisyphus-like, 118 118 have pushed this pair of mustachio’d boulders, year after laughless year. God knows how many millions they’ve spent or how many different out of work actors they’ve wigged and tached-up.

‘You’re crazy athletes from the 70s! Just run! Be endearing!’ yells the director and off they go again.

They’ve been frozen in blocks of ice, they’ve turned them into the A Team, they reduced them to mimi-me 118s; every almost-quirky, slightly-not-good-enough trick in the book.

Six years have passed now. Still no one cares.


A visitor‘ left this comment on 10 Oct 08
Can you name another directory service… 118 er, something?
‘UrbanCrap’ left this comment on 10 Oct 08
Good point.

At last a religion I can really believe in…
It’s so easy to join!

Modern Life is Rubbish #2892 The Sun – Published: 21 Oct 2007

I keep seeing this advert on the side of London buses and I wanted to write something pithy and Brooker-esque about just how bewilderingly meagre it is as a concept.

A london Bus with an advert for The Sun

But then, surely the point of an advert *is* to stick in the mind. This, for me, doesn’t so much stick the mind as unhinge it slightly.

The problem is not that it’s the The Sun, wilfully expelling itself into the face of 40 years of hard-fought feminist campaigning against such gross objectification.

It’s not even the stultifying, uber-low brow concept of what they’ve done. On other Buses you see Ian Wright heading a 20 pence piece. A football is round, you can almost hear the ad-writer saying, and so is a 20 pence. Well, it is if you squint. 

I’m not 100% sure what it is that makes me groan inwardly each time I see this.

I have a feeling it’s something to do with the idea of grown-up, professional adults industriously photo-shopping over-sized 10 pence pieces onto a girl’s norks; as if just announcing The Sun now costs 20p couldn’t possibly get through to people that The Sun now costs 20p.

I’m also sure it is to do with the fact that they didn’t even spare the time and thought to find an image where the model is looking suitably bright-eyed and amused by the silliness of wearing giant low-denomination coins on her nellies.

This model looks too serious. To me, she seems to have a studied, brooding, bedroom expression, the sort of look photographers try and draw out with encouraging remarks, such as, “…show me you really wannit, sweedart, (click) gaggin’ forrit, (click) that’s lovely (click), now push ‘em togevvah… (click) Gorgeous!”



Dogs Must Be Carried‘ left this comment on 1 Nov 07
Some bloke in a pub told me that the model in question actually does have two oversized ten pence pieces for breasts. Apparently, The Sun’s having to aim lower down the modelling books for its Page Three “stunnas”, given its declining ABC figures and slimmer profit margin. So now we know.
Tim‘ left this comment on 22 Oct 07
Boris, you have my vote if you promise to get rid of the Congestion Charge. People who are stuck in traffic jams should be able to sit there for free. You should charge the people who drive about at speed on uncluttered roads, these people I’m sure would be happy to pay since they are at least getting somewhere.Sorry the dog’s bum hole offended you. Dogs can be gay and this one is. He came out of the closet (with a shoe) and started listening to the Village Poodle, Collie Minogue and Husky Springfield.

A visitor‘ left this comment on 22 Oct 07
Nice blog but the new page header has gay connotations. The dog is funny at first and then slowly but surely you realise that it’s actually offering its ass up for buggery. Sorry to break it to you like this but I find a direct approach in these matters is always best. By the way, who has your vote for the mayorship of London?